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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

If I could,I would help..But I can't

Today is a day which full of frustrations.It just happened to me 1 minute ago.You know, I only have a few numbers of good friends.They are really meaningful to me.I would do my best to fulfill their wishes if they ask me for help because they also do the same to me.I do not have to worry if I ask them for help because they are very reliable.
So today one of my good friends asks me to help him.I was really delightful because rarely I can help my good friends. For me helping them is my pleasure to mark that they are really important to me.I asked him what was his problem. He told me that he needed money.When he mentioned about money, I could feel my face started to get cold.I also do not have enough money for myself.So I asked him how much he needed.He told me he needed USD 100.OMG...That's a huge amount for me to help right now.In my account I only have so little money to survive for 1 month more.I really cannot help him.I feel so useless because he needed the money to finish up his study for 3 months more.I know him almost 2 years.So I can tell whether he is desperate or not.I can read him.Right now he is very desperate for money.His family is a poor family.So he cannot ask from his family.
He begged me.I really cannot help him.I'm not making excuses.I just really cannot help him.Erm..I feel guilty I cannot help him.I wish I could but I couldn't.So I calm down myself by remembering a saying says that "help yourself first before help the others"....Sorry dude...This time I really cannot help you.I'm not lying


I remember things which I should not remember.I'm not missing them but out of nowhere they come into my mind.It is very rare for me to regret things but I do sometimes.When I remember things which I had done and I regret, I will feel so bad and I stop breathing for awhile.How I wish I could turn back time and fix every single thing.I do not want to live the life that I have right now because I know I can do better.If only...Dear God, if she is not the one for me make her disappear forever in my life.I'm glad YOU are still by my side even I always forget about YOU.I am full of sin.Please forgive me God.I want to do better and please guide me.I pretend to be strong in front of others,but YOU know me better.I take this opportunity to recite my silent prayer.Make her disappear from my life if she is not the one.Please God.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Evening my grandchildren.Lately I start to miss playing keyboard.I really miss the time when I could play songs according to my mood.I also miss the time when I tortured myself drilling the keys and chords of piano.Sad to say I do not have any music instrument right now. I cannot express my feelings through music anymore.I cannot draw,I cannot sing.That's why I choose to express my feelings through music.
Erm...I have something to say to you (you know who you are). I am really glad spending time with you.We are friends right?I'm no longer a special person to you.You should not wait for me anymore.I am not sure about myself either.One thing for sure I am not interested to have any relationship right now.I do not mind spending my whole life alone because I have prepared for it.You are a great friend to me.I really appreciate you come to my life.If you need any help,I am ready to help you.That's how I appreciate you. : )
To Adfa you should not live in anyone shadow anymore.You are a free soul now.You are free to do anything.Don't afraid to fail.That's all for today.Tata

Monday, March 21, 2011

Random things

Good evening my grandchildren. This evening I just feel like I need to write but I do not know what should I write.So I come up with a solution. I will write anything that I have in my mind right now.Okay.Today my friend helped me out doing something. But I did not thank him.You know what? I rarely thank to people who are really close to me.I only thank to people who are not so close with me.For me if I do something for people who are really close to me,thanking me is not a big deal because I do it sincerely. I will feel awkward if I do something really sincere and I get thanked for what I have done.It feels so wrong.I am weird isn't it?

Another thing is you know,I do not know how to speak properly to certain people because they never show me how to do it.So I just follow how they speak to me because I think they are cool with it since they speak to me in that manner.It is unfair to say I am being rude to them just because I speak like that.I really want to speak properly just like any other human being do but I can't.I just do not know how because I never being taught how.So how on earth I should know?I
feel so disappointed with myself because I can't do things that seem normal to other people.

Okay I'm done with those two.Now I want to tell you how I see my friends.My intention is not to condemn people but I just want to reveal a bit on how I see.I know several of my friends.How I wish I know them only a little because the more I know them,the more I lose my respect.I thought they were really matured and well behaved.I used wanted to behave like them.I said to myself if I want to be a man,I need to behave like them since I always behave like a child. So i spent my time with them and as I knew them deeper I started to hesitate.One of them when I looked at the surface,I saw a really matured man but after a few hang outs with him, I found out he liked to see woman in sexual manner.@_@..wekkk..always saying something related to sex.I do not like that kind of behaviour.So I moved on to hang out with others.Just like him,my new friend also had the same problem.So I moved to another. He seemed so composed when talking but as I knew him deeper i found out he liked to boost out.Lame.Then I decided let me be myself.I know I am full of flaws but at least I do not add several flaws because I am influenced by them. So to people around me I am sorry if I hurt you by misbehaved but that is me.Heee....If you cannot tolerate with me,go away.I do not feel lost.No one is perfect.i am perfect in my one way.

The last thing is I am so glad I have a new member in my life. I bought a new lap top.Thank God for sending me enough money.I really appreciate my new member.I love my mp3,my desktop,my motorcycle,my laptop,my printer,my shoes,my everything!!!Don't dare to take them without my permission unless you want to have a war with me.I mean it!!!
Okey..My head is clear...I need to sleep now...Night my dear.Bye2

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A to B

Remembering and missing
Loving and appreciating
Hugging and embracing

Those are slightly the same but they are different...Sometimes they are often misunderstood each other...I need to draw a line to distinguish them...There are things that hold me from going from one to another...I do not know to whom should I talk...because none will understand...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A house is not a home

I need a home,not a house...I've been dreaming about it for a long time..I have prepared for it since I was a kid..But..As I grow up I realized..The reality hurts...Even it does not hurt me, it hurts others...I can't build my home on others' grief..,why?can you just accept the end?everything has an insist of accepting it..making me hurting myself..If..this thing goes on..I'm afraid one day..just one day..I will sacrifice my happiness and soul which I rarely favour you..I'm nothing more than a robot

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Where did the feeling go

All alone
Nothing to do
It's lonely here
Without you

The candle light is burning low
A love song's on the radio
And memories are all I have to show

Tickets for two
That all fell through

Now everything's in black and white
The colors faded with the night
The stars we used to wish upon
Have somehow lost their light

Where is the feeling we used to know
Where is the music that played
Oh, what happened to the love
That used to show
Where did the feeling go

A cigarette
A glass of wine
A paperback
To pass the time

As I lie awake tonight
I'll leave the porch light burning bright
And miss your loving arms
That used to hold me tight

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm in dilemma

Evening my dear grandchildren. I am so busy right now because my practical has started. I have so many things to share with you but today I want to let you know I'm in dilemma. Okay, I get to teach year 3 students. The class is a mixed ability class. I have very bright students and also I have very slow learner students. Everytime I conduct my lesson, the weak students are left behind in order to favour the majority students ( average and bright students). Can you imagine, when I'm explaining to the majority students, the weak students keep following me just to ask simple questions like " Sir, what is yellow?"..I was like @_@"...Sometimes I have to ignore them...I feel so bad for them...I feel guilty...
I asked my teacher what should I do, then she said I should ignore the weak students...=_="...Just now I had an argument with my teacher because I do not agree with her idea to keep ignoring them.I feel pity to the weak students.You know, when they asked me questions, I looked straight into their eyes.I could see they were hoping me to change them.Their eyes shook me to the very core...I do not want them come to the school and learn nothing...I want them at least learn a word per day..
So I come out with a plan. I want to make extra class for my students. For the weak students. I have two big obstacles. The teacher and their parents.I need to get permission from both parties.Wish me luck please.I need luck.I do not do this for fame, I do this just because I feel it is my responsibility to change them.I think that's all I want to say. We'll see again okay...nite2 dear...bye2