Of course a normal person like me is afraid of something unknown. I am scared. I have what I prayed for now I have to fulfill my promises.Some of my plans have to change. For a better life. I am afraid of what is laying ahead but hey, I have you. I put my trust in you. I even present my life like I have to. One day, may one day I can be at the same level like the elites then I will utter the sentence " I have no regrets with what I have left behind".
Friday, November 24, 2017
Monday, November 6, 2017
Last 3 days I dreamt of you. In it, I begged to see your face for the last time to bid a goodbye. It was very sad :(. That dream bothered me awak. It hurt a lot. I do not like to be sad. You are the last person I want to hurt. Sorry. I tell no one about my dream. How I wish my dreams could come true. People come and go but the memories with you remain the same. I wonder what are you doing now. Have you replaced me with someone else? I can't replace you. The space here only you can fit it perfectly. You can never be replaced. I knew it at the moment I opened my heart for you.
Saturday, October 28, 2017
This sudden feeling of lost has struck me again. Why are you here? You should not be here. You must accept that's how life is. Memories remain and it is impossible to seize or even rewind the time. Once you miss it, it is gone forever. Or even once it passes, it passes. Sometimes I miss the time when I was still studying. The life there. So carefree but I lived that life like an idiot. Luckily I did not die. If I died at that moment, I would regret it forever because my life was empty. Sometimes I wonder a strong person like you, do you miss your past life?
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Tomorrow I am going back to my hometown. I can't wait to go back because I really need to recharge myself. I still remember when I was a younger, I waited for holidays with so many plans. Back then I was full of energy to travel around and to explore new things. Just say any crazy idea and I would be like "Yes, why not?". At that time my mind was like I need to do something crazy so that I do not regret later. You know, I never told the whole crazy things I did when we were close. I was afraid that you might have a different perspective on me. I would look dumb, stupid, and crazy if I revealed things that I did when I was young. It would be contradictable with the character that I portrayed in front of you. But now that character is the real me. I do not really have passion to try something new. I do not want to travel anymore. The moment that incident happened, I lost almost everything. From an adventurous person, I am known as a no fun guy. Even when people ask me to tag along to watch movies, my answer will always be "No, not interested". Ah...I remember two to three weeks ago, my friend and I went to a mall ( Had to accompany him because he needed my help), I saw things that I am trying to leave behind. I was like "Oh...so these are the things that I used to live with". Now they fail to capture my attention. Quite a lot of things I leave behind.
Most of the times, I have a hard time to pretend I am interested in the topics that my friends are talking. Actually deep inside I do not really care. Those things that they glorify are nothing. The things are not permanent. They will vanish in times. Can't they see it? Look at the people who used to glorify those things. Now they are dead and left behind all the things that they fought for and even willing to die for. Did they take those things to their graves? I am really not interested anymore. It is funny. Sometimes when they talk about uninteresting topics (for me), I purposely let my mind slip into my own world. I pretend to listen but actually my mind is not there. I am at somewhere else.
Nah, this topic is too complex to be described in details. I should not begin with it. Anyway, may one day all my wishes will come true. I am waiting for that moment.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
It is funny you know when I watched a documentary about food suddenly it reminded me of you. You know me well. I like to be alone and always alone. I used to have a plan about us. I wanted to take you with me for a stroll. I wanted to do things which I wish to do them now but I can't since they are always being done in pairs. I started to plan a lot. I do not want to talk about them now. I never thought things could go wrong so fast. Never thought one day I'd be losing you. I learned so many new things. I remember the times when I told you about facts and you really enjoyed it. Now, I refuse to share with other people. I keep most of them to myself and sometimes I retell the facts to myself. Maybe in another life...
Thursday, October 5, 2017
I try to be strong you know. It hurts every time I let my guard down or my focus is distracted. It is like waves. When it comes, it hits hard and repeatedly. I know I should be patient but it is easier to say than done. I need a constant reminder. If we meet now, I do not know what to say to you. I have a lot to talk but my lips are sealed. I barely can speak to you. I wish you were here. I have so many to share. From the moment we parted, I lost my good listener. I lost my world. Never thought it hurt this bad. But we must be strong. May one day, we are together forever. I am looking forward to living in that life.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Am I living in the past? I do not think so. I have millions to tell you but we are separated. It is not your fault. It is mine. I am sorry for being weak. I am very optimistic even though logically the percentage you might read this is fewer than 0.01 but I will continue to write. Who knows one day we can read this together. This is my proof that you will always be here with me. I was so cold that day. I remember.I had to. For the sake of both of us. You must be wondering what went wrong. Well, nothing was wrong. Every single thing was right. We did everything right. Perhaps, probably, and I hope, I pray, everything that happened was just temporary. Hey, I am on a journey to be a warrior. I need to leave you for awhile. Then one day, hopefully by His will, we will be together. Unless you break the promises or I have an order. Wait for me...wait for me...