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Wednesday, October 11, 2017

This evening

Tomorrow I am going back to my hometown. I can't wait to go back because I really need to recharge myself. I still remember when I was a younger, I waited for holidays with so many plans. Back then I was full of energy to travel around and to explore new things. Just say any crazy idea and I would be like "Yes, why not?". At that time my mind was like I need to do something crazy so that I do not regret later. You know, I never told the whole crazy things I did when we were close. I was afraid that you might have a different perspective on me. I would look dumb, stupid, and crazy if I revealed things that I did when I was young. It would be contradictable with the character that I portrayed in front of you. But now that character is the real me. I do not really have passion to try something new. I do not want to travel anymore. The moment that incident happened, I lost almost everything. From an adventurous person, I am known as a no fun guy. Even when people ask me to tag along to watch movies, my answer will always be "No, not interested". Ah...I remember two to three weeks ago, my friend and I went to a mall ( Had to accompany him because he needed my help), I saw things that I am trying to leave behind. I was like "Oh...so these are the things that I used to live with". Now they fail to capture my attention. Quite a lot of things I leave behind. 
Most of the times, I have a hard time to pretend I am interested in the topics that my friends are talking. Actually deep inside I do not really care. Those things that they glorify are nothing. The things are not permanent. They will vanish in times. Can't they see it? Look at the people who used to glorify those things. Now they are dead and left behind all the things that they fought for and even willing to die for. Did they take those things to their graves? I am really not interested anymore. It is funny. Sometimes when they talk about uninteresting topics (for me), I purposely let my mind slip into my own world. I pretend to listen but actually my mind is not there. I am at somewhere else. 
Nah, this topic is too complex to be described in details. I should not begin with it. Anyway, may one day all my wishes will come true. I am waiting for that moment. 

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

You...only you

It is funny you know when I watched a documentary about food suddenly it reminded me of you. You know me well. I like to be alone and always alone. I used to have a plan about us. I wanted to take you with me for a stroll. I wanted to do things which I wish to do them now but I can't since they are always being done in pairs. I started to plan a lot. I do not want to talk about them now. I never thought things could go wrong so fast. Never thought one day I'd be losing you. I learned so many new things. I remember the times when I told you about facts and you really enjoyed it. Now, I refuse to share with other people. I keep most of them to myself and sometimes I retell the facts to myself. Maybe in another life...

Thursday, October 5, 2017

The Hitman

I try to be strong you know. It hurts every time I let my guard down or my focus is distracted. It is like waves. When it comes, it hits hard and repeatedly. I know I should be patient but it is easier to say than done. I need a constant reminder. If we meet now, I do not know what to say to you. I have a lot to talk but my lips are sealed. I barely can speak to you. I wish you were here. I have so many to share. From the moment we parted, I lost my good listener. I lost my world. Never thought it hurt this bad. But we must be strong. May one day, we are together forever. I am looking forward to living in that life.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

More than this

Am I living in the past? I do not think so. I have millions to tell you but we are separated. It is not your fault. It is mine. I am sorry for being weak. I am very optimistic even though logically the percentage you might read this is fewer than 0.01 but I will continue to write. Who knows one day we can read this together. This is my proof that you will always be here with me. I was so cold that day. I remember.I had to. For the sake of both of us. You must be wondering what went wrong. Well, nothing was wrong. Every single thing was right. We did everything right. Perhaps, probably, and I hope, I pray, everything that happened was just temporary. Hey, I am on a journey to be a warrior. I need to leave you for awhile. Then one day, hopefully by His will, we will be together. Unless you break the promises or I have an order. Wait for me...wait for me...

Monday, August 14, 2017

Wish you were here

I still miss you like it was yesterday it happened. You really are my life. You are different from others. I remember the times when I was trying to get close to you. It started by becoming your friend. Then I decided yup you are the one. I must take you into my life. Maybe you do not know actually when we were together, I had been tested 3 times. My loyalty to you. Not going to mention here but it is enough to know the tests were every wild dream a man can have.I still remember my responses to them. You were always my priority. The moment I was gone from your life, half of me is dead. Several times they tried to resurrect but I refused. If I have to marry or share my life with someone, the person is you. I will try my best to fulfill my promises to you. Please wait for me.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

My words to you

When I was young I thought words were for accessories. As I grew older I realised that words were meant to be proven. Then now words are meant to be tested. It is better to be really careful with my words. They have power yet so many people abuse them. People like to spit them like nothing. Promises are made but never meant to be fulfilled. They are for accessories and icing to convince other people but deep inside the utterers never meant every single of them. I hate that kind of people. Irresponsible. Now I am bounded to promises. I think it is going to take the rest of my life to prove my words and I am willing to pay. I am responsible for every single word that I uttered when we were together. I will try my best to stick to my promises unless I have to obey orders given. I obey orders. Hopefully one day we will be together and we can look back what we had done and smile together. I really mean each one of my word. ;)

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Su Ann

It has been more than a year yet the feelings are still as strong as if it just happened yesterday. This scar or perhaps this cut is still bleeding. Almost no one knows how devastated I am. Yup for your information every time I miss you too much my tears will shed. Do you know that? I do shed tears.They call me a man without feelings. They were wrong. I told no one. I hold in and conceal it so good until people think I am healed. Remember my promises?I am trying my best not to break them. Unless I have an order to fulfill. I obey orders. Your promises, my promises, haunt me ;(. I vividly remember every single word I uttered when I tried to win your trust and your heart. I try not to recall them too often because I am tired of shedding my tears. Yup. A grown up man still sheds tears. What I want is neither more nor less or like you. I want you. Exactly you. I still remember the way you smiled and you talked. I thought to myself how lucky I was to have you by my side. Deep inside my heart, I pledged I would take you to be a part of my life. If I had to open up my heart for someone else, I would choose you. Remember the day I went away and you said I was the same with other men? You hurt me ;(. I am different. I left you (hopefully for awhile) against my will. It is an order. If the stake is only my life, I am not afraid to lose it. But...it is more than that. One day I hope that day will come. "Hey you, thanks for waiting. I am here now. Follow my lead. ;)" Su Ann. I miss you.