I've always been the one under the knife

There is something bothering me so much lately.You know adult things.I am a full grown up man but with different mentality from others.I view life from different perspective.Almost all the time it feels good to have it but there are few times where my belief is shaken.I thought you were perfect but one by one your weaknesses reveals.Yet I still want it.I try not to think about it because thinking makes my breathe goes away.I am missing the past yet I am living in the present.Grow up and take the changes.I am trying that's why I am not thinking about it.How I wish to go as far as possible and start new.I am a new person where I do not know people around me.I start to learn about them.You know,I am on a mission where I cannot fail.Even if I  succeed still there is a sorrow deep inside because it is not the same anymore.I don't usually need motivation but when I do,bad situation always motivates me well.I have two choices,cry and whine about it or stop being sad and improve myself.

Here it comes

You know,as you grow older things which were cool when you were young are not cool anymore.They make you sick being haunted by them.You will begin to wonder when will all these end.So you put your best final shot because you want to know the ending.Quite a stupid action because deep in your heart,you have planned not to accept failure.For you,failure should not happen because you have given your very best shot to win.Sometimes I would rather say it is a mystery when you can't really predict the ending.There are times when you feel you are gaining the upper hand and times when you feel as low as if you were stuck somewhere and you could not move at all.I tried to predict based on my past experiences yet I always fail.It seems so bright...Really...Then suddenly it becomes too dim.I am told I will not succeed yet I want to make it happens.So I wait,playing with my mind,giving promises to my heart just to comfort myself while waiting something to happen.I never knew the force of this thing is so strong and the best part of it,it happens to me.I tried to move yet I am stuck.Is there anything I am missing resulting me to stuck here?I thought it would be ended after I had change my routines.I was wrong.It becomes bigger and the force is stronger due to the time constrains.I would rather die alone than spending time with someone who I do not really love.I prefer not to think about the plans.I want to follow the flow.Remember this...I cannot protect you forever.I am sorry