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Wednesday, October 11, 2017

This evening

Tomorrow I am going back to my hometown. I can't wait to go back because I really need to recharge myself. I still remember when I was a younger, I waited for holidays with so many plans. Back then I was full of energy to travel around and to explore new things. Just say any crazy idea and I would be like "Yes, why not?". At that time my mind was like I need to do something crazy so that I do not regret later. You know, I never told the whole crazy things I did when we were close. I was afraid that you might have a different perspective on me. I would look dumb, stupid, and crazy if I revealed things that I did when I was young. It would be contradictable with the character that I portrayed in front of you. But now that character is the real me. I do not really have passion to try something new. I do not want to travel anymore. The moment that incident happened, I lost almost everything. From an adventurous person, I am known as a no fun guy. Even when people ask me to tag along to watch movies, my answer will always be "No, not interested". Ah...I remember two to three weeks ago, my friend and I went to a mall ( Had to accompany him because he needed my help), I saw things that I am trying to leave behind. I was like "Oh...so these are the things that I used to live with". Now they fail to capture my attention. Quite a lot of things I leave behind. 
Most of the times, I have a hard time to pretend I am interested in the topics that my friends are talking. Actually deep inside I do not really care. Those things that they glorify are nothing. The things are not permanent. They will vanish in times. Can't they see it? Look at the people who used to glorify those things. Now they are dead and left behind all the things that they fought for and even willing to die for. Did they take those things to their graves? I am really not interested anymore. It is funny. Sometimes when they talk about uninteresting topics (for me), I purposely let my mind slip into my own world. I pretend to listen but actually my mind is not there. I am at somewhere else. 
Nah, this topic is too complex to be described in details. I should not begin with it. Anyway, may one day all my wishes will come true. I am waiting for that moment. 

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

You...only you

It is funny you know when I watched a documentary about food suddenly it reminded me of you. You know me well. I like to be alone and always alone. I used to have a plan about us. I wanted to take you with me for a stroll. I wanted to do things which I wish to do them now but I can't since they are always being done in pairs. I started to plan a lot. I do not want to talk about them now. I never thought things could go wrong so fast. Never thought one day I'd be losing you. I learned so many new things. I remember the times when I told you about facts and you really enjoyed it. Now, I refuse to share with other people. I keep most of them to myself and sometimes I retell the facts to myself. Maybe in another life...

Thursday, October 5, 2017

The Hitman

I try to be strong you know. It hurts every time I let my guard down or my focus is distracted. It is like waves. When it comes, it hits hard and repeatedly. I know I should be patient but it is easier to say than done. I need a constant reminder. If we meet now, I do not know what to say to you. I have a lot to talk but my lips are sealed. I barely can speak to you. I wish you were here. I have so many to share. From the moment we parted, I lost my good listener. I lost my world. Never thought it hurt this bad. But we must be strong. May one day, we are together forever. I am looking forward to living in that life.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

More than this

Am I living in the past? I do not think so. I have millions to tell you but we are separated. It is not your fault. It is mine. I am sorry for being weak. I am very optimistic even though logically the percentage you might read this is fewer than 0.01 but I will continue to write. Who knows one day we can read this together. This is my proof that you will always be here with me. I was so cold that day. I remember.I had to. For the sake of both of us. You must be wondering what went wrong. Well, nothing was wrong. Every single thing was right. We did everything right. Perhaps, probably, and I hope, I pray, everything that happened was just temporary. Hey, I am on a journey to be a warrior. I need to leave you for awhile. Then one day, hopefully by His will, we will be together. Unless you break the promises or I have an order. Wait for me...wait for me...

Monday, August 14, 2017

Wish you were here

I still miss you like it was yesterday it happened. You really are my life. You are different from others. I remember the times when I was trying to get close to you. It started by becoming your friend. Then I decided yup you are the one. I must take you into my life. Maybe you do not know actually when we were together, I had been tested 3 times. My loyalty to you. Not going to mention here but it is enough to know the tests were every wild dream a man can have.I still remember my responses to them. You were always my priority. The moment I was gone from your life, half of me is dead. Several times they tried to resurrect but I refused. If I have to marry or share my life with someone, the person is you. I will try my best to fulfill my promises to you. Please wait for me.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

My words to you

When I was young I thought words were for accessories. As I grew older I realised that words were meant to be proven. Then now words are meant to be tested. It is better to be really careful with my words. They have power yet so many people abuse them. People like to spit them like nothing. Promises are made but never meant to be fulfilled. They are for accessories and icing to convince other people but deep inside the utterers never meant every single of them. I hate that kind of people. Irresponsible. Now I am bounded to promises. I think it is going to take the rest of my life to prove my words and I am willing to pay. I am responsible for every single word that I uttered when we were together. I will try my best to stick to my promises unless I have to obey orders given. I obey orders. Hopefully one day we will be together and we can look back what we had done and smile together. I really mean each one of my word. ;)

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Su Ann

It has been more than a year yet the feelings are still as strong as if it just happened yesterday. This scar or perhaps this cut is still bleeding. Almost no one knows how devastated I am. Yup for your information every time I miss you too much my tears will shed. Do you know that? I do shed tears.They call me a man without feelings. They were wrong. I told no one. I hold in and conceal it so good until people think I am healed. Remember my promises?I am trying my best not to break them. Unless I have an order to fulfill. I obey orders. Your promises, my promises, haunt me ;(. I vividly remember every single word I uttered when I tried to win your trust and your heart. I try not to recall them too often because I am tired of shedding my tears. Yup. A grown up man still sheds tears. What I want is neither more nor less or like you. I want you. Exactly you. I still remember the way you smiled and you talked. I thought to myself how lucky I was to have you by my side. Deep inside my heart, I pledged I would take you to be a part of my life. If I had to open up my heart for someone else, I would choose you. Remember the day I went away and you said I was the same with other men? You hurt me ;(. I am different. I left you (hopefully for awhile) against my will. It is an order. If the stake is only my life, I am not afraid to lose it. But...it is more than that. One day I hope that day will come. "Hey you, thanks for waiting. I am here now. Follow my lead. ;)" Su Ann. I miss you.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Sudden appearance

Once upon a time, I believed you were my life. I tried my best to win you. I even willing to sacrifice everything. God knew what I would do just to prove my feelings towards you. Then you left. After a few years, you came back. I am not sure what is your purpose but I think I can grasp it. Just to let you know, I have changed. In the few years when we were parted, I had learnt a lot. I went through so many things. I used to view you as a perfect person. Now I see right through you. I admire someone who I will follow till my last breath. The person whom I admire is out of you league. The person will do illogical things yet I must believe in them. You won't be able to stand before the person's presence. believe me. In the few years we were parted, you did so many mistakes which I intended to prevent back then. I cannot accept the mistakes since I need someone who I can walk together easily. In my point of view, it is better for you to find another person who can walk with you. I have made my promises and I want to honour them till my dying days. Be strong.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Random babbling.

When I am bored I learn something new. This behaviour has been practiced by me for a long time Then the more you learn, the more you know. Life becomes more complicated than it was before. I start to think of more complicated things rather than asking wondering about why the sky is blue or even why the oceans are salty. The problem is these types of questions are puzzling other people. I do not have time to entertain them. I do not have time to feel amazed with these kind of things when people share with me their so called "new" discovery. Sadly it turns out I look to be a snobbish. No...I am not snobbish. I just do not feel entertained with the topics that I already knew. I need more challenging questions to feel amazed. Somehow I become more firm and rarely change my stand because I know what I am doing and I know it is the correct choice. Regularly I have to go against the majority as the majority knows a little bit and due to their number, they make themselves to appear right. Never mind. I always go alone because I believe if I want to go far, I have to go alone. Less burden, less people I should take care of, and less dramas. By the way, I miss you a lot. :(

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Further and further

It has been..ermm..how long?I lost the sense of day and time.My world is getting smaller.Just to fill this emptiness I have to go further and further.You...the person that I miss the most.I want to pursue my education as high as possible until I am called or ordered to be back home.I really hope you will wait for me.I am going through a war.In the war it has many battles. In the battles, I have a lot of fights. I cannot lose. This world is nothing without you. I start to understand little by little. I learn a lot but I have no one to share. How I wish you are with me because I know you are a good listener. Everything I promised is still valid. I miss you a lot.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

My other half

Some people do not understand that there are people who like to seclude themselves. I enjoy being alone. They say the more the merrier. What is happiness? That type of happiness is long gone from my life. I have different  definition of happiness. One day I will be happy. How can I enjoy my life if half of it is not with me? I still vividly remember the day, the things that I said, the responses, and the feelings... I remember. They hurt me and for sure they hurt my other half badly. I am strong but my other half is weak. I always can feel the pain that my other half is going through now. If my other half has decided not to be my other half anymore, I can't blame my other half. I completely understand but I really hope if that time comes, I can hold my senses. I really miss my other half.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Say NO!

It is just a cartoon,what could go wrong? In psychology, there is a theory called "Familiarity theory". When a person is exposed to a new experience, gradually the person will accept it as a norm. Same thing happens to society. Bit by bit they expose the taboo elements and slowly our society will accept them. Can't you see?
 Can't you see they start to play with words? If you learn discourse analysis, words are bounded into three classes. Negative, neutral, and positive. Take a look at the word "homophobic". "Homo" is a neutral word but "phobic" is a negative word. Derived from the word "phobia". When you have phobia of something, it carries negative experience. By calling "homophobic" to people who disagree  with them, it subconsciously develops negative image on the people. No one likes to be perceived as negative people. Slowly people will think "hey, let's accept the behaviour or we are going to be perceived as negative people."  What if we call the people as "Pro human nature". Pretty sure no one minds to be called that. Can't you see? I watch a documentary on how the slowly make the western society to accept the group. In early 90's, it was a taboo to be gay. Instead of using the words  "homosexual or gay", they replaced the words with "queer" and the society started to accept it. Enough of discourse. Can't you see?
Now move on to the point "Hey, now it is 2017,we are not in stone age!". The definition of modern life  varies according to scholars. Some perceive modern life  as progression and development in lifestyle with cutting edge technology and skyscrapers in cities. I prefer the definition of modern life as progression and development in lifestyle  also our moral (in my case religion and the definition is not by me). Sad to say most of us only prefer the first definition. Okey back to 2017, what if I said "Hey it is 2017,are you living in stone age? Do you know that homosexuality can be traced back to thousands years ago? Why do you want to practice ancient tradition?"


Heh.So many things I want to say but now I am too lazy. Okay I am going off now.Goodbye.

Friday, March 10, 2017

You,who walks in my mind

You.Do you know how much I miss you?I always wonder how are you today?Who has hurt you?Who makes you sad?Are you okay?Do you know that I really miss you?Do you know I am truly love you?Do not think ill of me.If I had a choice,you would be the person I did not want to hurt.Every day I think about you.It hurts a lot awak... :( This world fails to impress me.The moment I lost you,I am dead inside. Every time I am hurt going through the situations that I believe they are normal for the people at our stage, I think of you. You must have hurt at least 10 times more than me when you encounter the same situations.I feel helpless.I am sorry to put you through this. I am not lying about my feelings.It is just...It is just an order I have to obey for the sake of both of us. If I had to choose whether I am going to fight against 1000 kings or the person I respect the most, I choose to fight against 1000 kings. You know, people try so hard to read me. Of course they will fail to read me unless they are in the same path that I am walking. My actions puzzle them. Sometimes I am also puzzled with my actions but I have to carry out the actions because they are the truth. You...Remember this.I am the person who stick to my promise.By God's will, we will meet again and we will live together.You are the person I am going to find by the time I am ready. Stay strong!Be good.May God be with you.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Ann

Half of me is dead.I still miss you every day.How I wish...We can be strong together.However things have been written along time ago.We must go separate way in order to be strong.One day,if I am strong enough,I will come back for you.I really hope you will wait for me.It might take a very long time, perhaps...my entire life.I have changed a lot.I am sorry.It is a journey I have to take.What is the world for if you are not with me?What is the point you are with me when I fail to obtain what is a must for all of us?

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Graduation?What graduation?

Good evening to you.How I wish you could read my writing.Tomorrow I will complete my last task for my master.I have vowed not to attend my graduation day since you will not be attending my graduation ceremony.It hurts because I used to imagine you and me together to celebrate the moment because I never had someone I care attend my graduation ceremony.Well I guess I have to go alone again but this time it will be different.I do not want to attend at all.To fill in the void of time I have,80% of chance I will pursue my PhD so I can ease my pain with reading and tasks.You know,the darker it gets,the better I  become.How I miss you~

Monday, January 2, 2017

A new me

Yesterday, I got a message from my supervisor saying that my thesis is approved by my examiner.The words in the message showed so much joy and happiness. I.I felt nothing.It is not that I was being ungrateful.No.I am always grateful to God.Thanks for everything God.You give me everything from the start until forever.I started to think the reasons behind my dead feelings.I think what entertains normal people does not entertain me anymore.My definition of happiness starts to differ from normal people.I am changing.I start to lose the normal human part.I want this transformation.I start to hunt for the biggest achievement where all people also must obtain it.You,you shouldn't come yet.Let me be complete then by God's will,I'll be back.It hurts so much but we must endure it.I believe we both can do it. ;)