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Saturday, December 31, 2016


If I had to describe 2016 year in one word, I would choose "tears" or perhaps "death".I remember the time when we contacted for a brief time. I realise now I am a different person. I have changed a lot. Believe me, my feelings towards you are the same but the way I express it is different. If only I could put them in words and actions just like I did before. You,you are still the same. How sweet are you. How I miss you. I am sorry for every single thing I did. I never meant to hurt you :(. I am changing to suit myself into a different world. Just now I saw a girl. Exactly like you!The way she acted, dressed and talked. She reminded me of you. I had the thought that would be us if we were together but sorry I have to leave you for awhile. I am not sure you will accept me once I am completed or the worst is I am not sure I would accept you into my life later. For sure things would be different. The human part of the old me has died and it will die for two more times. I am chasing for those deaths. Maybe, just maybe if you have the chance to read this, remember, I am the old me. Maybe I have changed but my feelings are the same. It is very hard to put them into words. I cannot promise you anything anymore because I am not sure about the future. I just follow the orders given by the person whom I love the most. I must follow for my own safety and at the same time I miss you. ;(. Can you wait for me to return?

Monday, November 21, 2016

A normal day

You.Why did you change your display picture?Do you know that every day I look at your display picture because I miss you?I do not have the strength to read our conversation.Sometimes when I did it accidentally,I felt so painful.I am sorry.You will always be number 1 to me.You can never be replaced by other people.I admit some did try their luck but they just can't.I conceal this spot just for you.I will wait even it takes a thousand years to be with you.I miss you.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

You are still the one

Up until now you are still number 1 in my heart.I hope it will remain forever.Your words,actions,gestures,the way you role your eyes....All those tie me up.No one can replace you.No one can be as good as you are.One day we will be back together and we will look back at these moments,painful feelings, how we grew from them,we will be smiling and hold our hands together.As for this time,I am saving this spot in my heart just for you.If one day,you are gone with other man,I will let this part empty and I will kill it.Let the spot die because only you can fill the emptiness perfectly.I cannot fall for other because I will constantly compare them with you and without a doubt you will always triumph them.If I have to wait for a thousand years,I will wait.Add another thousand years just to be with you.How I miss you.How I wish you will read this.I miss you. ;(

Friday, October 7, 2016


You...I am going off for a very long journey.
One day,I hope we can get back together. ;)
By God's will,I will fulfill all my promises to you.
Be strong.You are still one of the best things ever happens in my life.

When I am very strong,I will come back and say "You...let me show you the way that I had promised a long time ago."By that time, I hope you are still waiting for me. I cannot blame you if you could not wait for me that long.You need someone to guide you.But deep inside...

If you had someone to guide you by that time,I would look at you from far.Pray for your happiness.You deserve happiness after what you have gone through.Me?I know no happiness in this world.The day we separated, I only had one genuine laugh once till now.I have other type of happiness.

We are tied to promises.I too am bounded with my very old promises.I must obey my pledge and loyalty with actions,words,thoughts and my soul.

I am deeply sorry.You are one of the best things ever happens in my life.Always ;)

Monday, September 26, 2016


You.Yea you.I miss you so much. ;).How I miss the times when we were together.I start not to pay attention to details because most of the things are becoming insignificant for me.I even told you things I should not talk to save you.I paid the price quite heavily.I remember the last time we contacted,you were so devastated about what had happened.You kept on saying I am so easy to move on.Look here...I am dying here but I always pretend to be strong.Let me be the bad guy so that it will make you easier to move on.One day hopefully I hope we could read this blog together side by side.I could tell you exactly what I felt.How I miss you.Bianne awak.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

The face

I am so sorry I made you cry every day since the day I went away. :( I know you've been crying since the day I made up my mind.I still can remember your face.Pretended to be strong.Of course I am hurt but hey,I am going off for a long journey.One day,if it is not in this world,we will meet again in another world.If you and me are still available,I am going to beg for you.I want to live with you there.I am so sorry for everything.Still you are one of the best things ever happened in my whole life.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

4 weeks I guess

I just showed my poker face trying to hide my the true feelings.I never wanted to hurt you.Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted.but...I am tied to my pledge.I am willing to give up everything for my pledge.You will never understand.Luckily you tried to understand even you are hurt so much.I am hurt too. I am sorry for the promises I made when we were together.The promises are over written by my own promised when I made along time ago.Now we are at the stage slowly becoming strangers again.Hey...I remember the time when we were strangers.I convinced you I was different than the others.In fact I am different from the others.However I am too much odd compared to the others.We talked about almost everything.I will always treasure the memories when we were together.Several words you said will always hunt me for the rest of my life.Right now I am off on a very long journey.I think I am going alone.You are always one of the best things ever happened in my life.One day,by the God's will,I will reclaim what I have left behind.Be strong okay!

Monday, August 1, 2016

I listen and I obey

Everyone has their own war.Well I have several.I am not sure this war will be the greatest war in my life or much bigger war will come.One thing for sure,without a doubt this is one of the greatest wars in my life.I can't say much but I am willing to take all the pain from you.I understand how do you feel but yet I can't say much.I am trying to understand as well.Few words spat from you do haunt me.I am sorry.I truly am.You just do not understand.One day when I am very strong,and things are on my side,I will be back.;)

Sunday, July 10, 2016

One of the greatest wars

Now I have to eat the words I uttered.By God's wills I will be fine.I will always follow you no matter what you say.Hopefully you are strong if things do not turn out to be like what we want.Yea it hurts a lot but I will bite it,chew it, and swallow it.I want to be on the same par with my idols even it costs my life.I will always follow you.Till Your desires are the same with mine.I will always follow you.Grant us strength. ;)

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Do not!

Okay here's the deal.Do not...I repeat Do Not look up or look upon me as a wise person. To be honest, I am still learning. There are a lot more to be learnt to be on the same level like my idols.To put it into perspective, it is like this. I am a preschool kid, just learnt to write the capital letter "A". Most of the time I cannot write the letter due to my incompetence and stupidity. I have to learn a lot more. I need to learn to write all the letters in capital and lower case forms, need to learn to count, need to learn to write properly, to spell, and so many more.I think you got the idea. 
Now the people that I look up are in PhD level at least. Some of them are even professors.They say things that I always do not understand due to my limited knowledge but I believe in them. They say the truth.Whenever I am lost,I seek for them to light my path.That's how things work.I say what they say.Of course you are impressed because the people know the reality.Okay that is all.Good night then.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Plan B

Can you see that home above?If I am not married,that would be my type of house.So minimal yet so perfect.In the time for the people strive for more and more, I am so grateful that I have been guided not to waste my time on temporary things.Maybe just maybe people would feel a bit sympathy towards me for choosing that kind of life, but actually I pity them for focusing too much on unnecessary things in their life.I can imagine my simple life living in that house,Yeap that's my home.
If one day my colleagues, friends, or family members visit me at my home, please do not be sad.I am happy with what I have chosen. The move is not be made due to my disappointments in my life, but actually I have planned it long before you guys knew me. I am inspired by someone's whom I admire the most speech.Wake up in the morning, be grateful I am still alive, and head to see my idol.Then go back to the house and rest. In the evening, I head back to see my idol till dawn and head to a place to see another idol to learn from him.Then I go back home to sleep.The routine is repeated till I die.Hopefully I am forgiven.Please wait for me at the other side.Just like what you have promised.I know I am not a good person but I am trying to be as good as you guys.One day we will be on the same par. ;)

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Now what?

Good evening my dear grandchildren!!!It has been awhile hasn't it?I was so busy with my thesis until I did not have time to write.Okay first thing first.Nothing has changed.Haha.I remain the same.Right now I am free because I just finished my second last semester hopefully.I need to re organise  my sleeping schedule.I had slept at odd time recently.You know I used to be so busy and right now when I do not have any assignments to do,I feel empty.Huhu.This is dangerous because when I have free time I start to spend it on things I should not spend.Nah I cannot state them here because they are illegal.Hmm...Okay enough of babbling. Now back to real business. My supervisor is really good.Tolerable and not a pushy person.He has the mind set of "this is master,it is about you know how to do it then it is enough".The problem is I am not going to settle down on that mind set.I am a bit discontented with that attitude.I wrote my thesis with passion so I want him to grade me as honest as possible.I do not care about the "real" mark I get if he reads my thesis in detail.I just want to know my true ability.Maybe some students love to have that kind of supervisor, but not me.I am here to learn, not to score grades.See...that is my mentality.Rarely people will understand me.Thinking back at years I have spent pursuing my master,I have no regret.Yes I do have low grades but I really did my best.Before I just surrendered, I fought as much as I could and that leaves me zero regrets.So by God's will, this year end I am going to finish my master.Maybe...just maybe I will change my profession due to some external factors.Who knows right?Right now I am weighing the pros and the cons of my possible new profession.Okay that's all for today.See you again one day.Remember,I am your grandfather!!!haha...take care and good bye.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Here we go again

If I have to choose between you and him.I will choose him to know Him.I am sorry.I do not live forever.

Saturday, May 7, 2016


Good evening my grandchildren!!!Yes I am here.Okey I want to have a short babbling with you.You know I saw several times people kick animals because the animals begged them for some food.When it happened,I felt real bad for the animals.Regardless cats or dogs or even monkeys, they are hungry too.Why can't you just share some of your food?I will look at the people who treat animals with cruelty with hatred.How I wish they one day feel the way the animals feel.I want the people to feel hunger,full of expectations and I hope their hopes are crashed by the world.Then they will have empathy towards animals.Okay that is all.I have to read now.For the glory of farmer of course.Good night!!!

Thursday, May 5, 2016

What is next?

Yeay!!! I am writing now because I feel it had been such a long time I did not write. So many big things went by and I did not write those. Currently I am so busy with my study. Hmm...Two more semesters and by God's will I am going to finish the study by the end of this year. I start to think to pursue my PhD. Yet so many things I have to consider. I will start to have commitment, what I am going to do with my PhD and many more. I seriously do not want to be a lecturer because lecturers' working hour is sooooo long. I don't think I am going to be happy with long working hour but at the same time I love academic reading. I am not really good at wasting time like small talks or talk about football.hmmm..I always need something to read or do if not I would feel I was not productive enough.Nah....Let me finish my study first then I will make my mind.

Saturday, February 27, 2016


Okey I'm doing a real quick babbling. I feel quite tired of doing my proposal.No!not that proposal proposing someone to marry me.But the proposal for my research.I must submit it tomorrow.It means tonight I cannot play online game.How stressful is that?Very...I keep telling to myself tomorrow after submitting my proposal,I can play online game as much as I want.That soothes me a little.Lately I am becoming lazier than before.I lose my burning spirit to be at the top.I am not sure why.I start to procrastinate my work and my assignment.Come on!!!This is not me.I dislike the view from bottom.Now I shall continue doing my proposal.Here prof,read my proposal...I made it with my sweat and tears....

Saturday, February 20, 2016


Okay I admit it has been awhile since the last time I updated my blog.I have so many little things to do.The prominent reason I do not update my blog because I love to be secretive even to my family.I want to keep everything to myself.I used to tell someone but later that particular person used that against me.How sad.I was heartbroken and starting from that moment,I do not trust anybody expect one particular person.I want to be like him.He is my idol.His spirit and his willingness to sacrifice amazed me to the maximum.I really want to be like him.Badly.I hardly looking up to people but once I do it,I will always think and act like them.I will always ask myself,what would the person that I admire do when he encounters the problem.How I miss that person

Back to December?

If you want to go back to December,you go alone.I am not going back to December!!!I hate December.A lot.