2 months

It has been awhile since the last time I updated this. It has been more than 2 months I am married. I am still the same me. Clueless about what is going to happen next. Lately I am very disturbed with what the person I love the most said. If only I could say to that person " I have given up my precious, please...If you want to go, take me with you too. I have nothing in this world". I am not kidding. Until now, it still hurts. I am eager to be the best but I am my own enemy. And time is also my enemy. Don't leave me yet :(

My recent thoughts

It has been awhile since the last time I wrote here. About 12 more days I am getting married. I do not really know what to expect from it but I hope I can do my best. This marriage gives me a very heavy responsibility because the name that I am carrying. I am not afraid of my partner or the life after it but I am afraid of myself. I am the most evil man I have ever known. I am afraid I would become a bad partner due to my behaviours. I know how evil I am. I do not want to destroy someone else's life. Hopefully things will turn out to be great and smooth. I am doing this for the sake of getting into the elite group. May one day I will be able to say " I regret nothing".

Do not give up

It is funny for you to feel you lose something but you do not really have it at the first place. Are you kidding me? There are good people out there. Be strong! and start searching for them. My secrets and my past are very dark. Darker than the night. Be grateful.

What's the verdict?

The waiting is killing me. I am nervous and excited at the same time. And I really want this to end as soon as possible. I can't really predict what is going to happen. Hey, remember this. No matter what is the outcome, always focus on the purpose of this thing. I am here not to fool around. 

This evening

Tomorrow I am going back to my hometown. I can't wait to go back because I really need to recharge myself. I still remember when I was a younger, I waited for holidays with so many plans. Back then I was full of energy to travel around and to explore new things. Just say any crazy idea and I would be like "Yes, why not?". At that time my mind was like I need to do something crazy so that I do not regret later. You know, I never told the whole crazy things I did when we were close. I was afraid that you might have a different perspective on me. I would look dumb, stupid, and crazy if I revealed things that I did when I was young. It would be contradictable with the character that I portrayed in front of you. But now that character is the real me. I do not really have passion to try something new. I do not want to travel anymore. The moment that incident happened, I lost almost everything. From an adventurous person, I am known as a no fun guy. Even when people ask me to tag along to watch movies, my answer will always be "No, not interested". Ah...I remember two to three weeks ago, my friend and I went to a mall ( Had to accompany him because he needed my help), I saw things that I am trying to leave behind. I was like "Oh...so these are the things that I used to live with". Now they fail to capture my attention. Quite a lot of things I leave behind. 

Most of the times, I have a hard time to pretend I am interested in the topics that my friends are talking. Actually deep inside I do not really care. Those things that they glorify are nothing. The things are not permanent. They will vanish in times. Can't they see it? Look at the people who used to glorify those things. Now they are dead and left behind all the things that they fought for and even willing to die for. Did they take those things to their graves? I am really not interested anymore. It is funny. Sometimes when they talk about uninteresting topics (for me), I purposely let my mind slip into my own world. I pretend to listen but actually my mind is not there. I am at somewhere else. 

Nah, this topic is too complex to be described in details. I should not begin with it. Anyway, may one day all my wishes will come true. I am waiting for that moment. 

Say NO!

It is just a cartoon,what could go wrong? In psychology, there is a theory called "Familiarity theory". When a person is exposed to a new experience, gradually the person will accept it as a norm. Same thing happens to society. Bit by bit they expose the taboo elements and slowly our society will accept them. Can't you see?

 Can't you see they start to play with words? If you learn discourse analysis, words are bounded into three classes. Negative, neutral, and positive. Take a look at the word "homophobic". "Homo" is a neutral word but "phobic" is a negative word. Derived from the word "phobia". When you have phobia of something, it carries negative experience. By calling "homophobic" to people who disagree  with them, it subconsciously develops negative image on the people. No one likes to be perceived as negative people. Slowly people will think "hey, let's accept the behaviour or we are going to be perceived as negative people."  What if we call the people as "Pro human nature". Pretty sure no one minds to be called that. Can't you see? I watch a documentary on how the slowly make the western society to accept the group. In early 90's, it was a taboo to be gay. Instead of using the words  "homosexual or gay", they replaced the words with "queer" and the society started to accept it. Enough of discourse. Can't you see?

Now move on to the point "Hey, now it is 2017,we are not in stone age!". The definition of modern life  varies according to scholars. Some perceive modern life  as progression and development in lifestyle with cutting edge technology and skyscrapers in cities. I prefer the definition of modern life as progression and development in lifestyle  also our moral (in my case religion and the definition is not by me). Sad to say most of us only prefer the first definition. Okey back to 2017, what if I said "Hey it is 2017,are you living in stone age? Do you know that homosexuality can be traced back to thousands years ago? Why do you want to practice ancient tradition?"

Heh.So many things I want to say but now I am too lazy. Okay I am going off now.Goodbye.

Plan B

Can you see that home above?If I am not married,that would be my type of house.So minimal yet so perfect.In the time for the people strive for more and more, I am so grateful that I have been guided not to waste my time on temporary things.Maybe just maybe people would feel a bit sympathy towards me for choosing that kind of life, but actually I pity them for focusing too much on unnecessary things in their life.I can imagine my simple life living in that house,Yeap that's my home.

If one day my colleagues, friends, or family members visit me at my home, please do not be sad.I am happy with what I have chosen. The move is not be made due to my disappointments in my life, but actually I have planned it long before you guys knew me. I am inspired by someone's whom I admire the most speech.Wake up in the morning, be grateful I am still alive, and head to see my idol.Then go back to the house and rest. In the evening, I head back to see my idol till dawn and head to a place to see another idol to learn from him.Then I go back home to sleep.The routine is repeated till I die.Hopefully I am forgiven.Please wait for me at the other side.Just like what you have promised.I know I am not a good person but I am trying to be as good as you guys.One day we will be on the same par. ;)