I am drifting.

How I wish I will just wake up one day and this is just a dream. It has been too long now. I am weak to even carry myself. I need support and advice to keep me on track or else slowly I will start to drift away from my original course. This is the worst time in my life. I have no strong peers neither guidance to help me. It feels like this is a punishment. Thinking back, what could I do if I could turn back my time. Almost none. I did my best and I took almost every opportunity presented to me yet I am still weak. How pathetic I am.

Durian

You know...I have desires to fulfill. Half of me says go for it and the other half says no,you weren't born for those. I think the other half of me is right. I shouldn't be fascinated by this life. Even in my dreams I could feel this world and this life are very sad. Humans are pathetic. Everything that the majority desired is perishable. If I do not want to end up like the rest, I shouldn't follow them. What makes me think I am unique enough to have different consequences when I live like them? How stupid of me.  

2019

It has been awhile right? I now usually keep things to myself since there are things that normal people will not understand or maybe my advice is not compatible to them. You know sometimes I imagine myself having everything in the world. A big house, lots of money and land, fame and every single thing that a human desires. Am I really happy with all those? I do not think so. Everything will come to an end. It will stop the moment I die. What a sad world. There are times when I look back at my past, and  I always feel something deep. Like sad and sorrow. Distant. My past is getting farther and farther. I can't turn back time to re enjoy and fix my past. Even I could do that, still the past is the past. People around are getting older and older. I might lose people I care. Death is lurking me. This world is a sad place to live. 

2 months

It has been awhile since the last time I updated this. It has been more than 2 months I am married. I am still the same me. Clueless about what is going to happen next. Lately I am very disturbed with what the person I love the most said. If only I could say to that person " I have given up my precious, please...If you want to go, take me with you too. I have nothing in this world". I am not kidding. Until now, it still hurts. I am eager to be the best but I am my own enemy. And time is also my enemy. Don't leave me yet :(

My recent thoughts

It has been awhile since the last time I wrote here. About 12 more days I am getting married. I do not really know what to expect from it but I hope I can do my best. This marriage gives me a very heavy responsibility because the name that I am carrying. I am not afraid of my partner or the life after it but I am afraid of myself. I am the most evil man I have ever known. I am afraid I would become a bad partner due to my behaviours. I know how evil I am. I do not want to destroy someone else's life. Hopefully things will turn out to be great and smooth. I am doing this for the sake of getting into the elite group. May one day I will be able to say " I regret nothing".

Do not give up

It is funny for you to feel you lose something but you do not really have it at the first place. Are you kidding me? There are good people out there. Be strong! and start searching for them. My secrets and my past are very dark. Darker than the night. Be grateful.

What's the verdict?

The waiting is killing me. I am nervous and excited at the same time. And I really want this to end as soon as possible. I can't really predict what is going to happen. Hey, remember this. No matter what is the outcome, always focus on the purpose of this thing. I am here not to fool around.