Durian

You know...I have desires to fulfill. Half of me says go for it and the other half says no,you weren't born for those. I think the other half of me is right. I shouldn't be fascinated by this life. Even in my dreams I could feel this world and this life are very sad. Humans are pathetic. Everything that the majority desired is perishable. If I do not want to end up like the rest, I shouldn't follow them. What makes me think I am unique enough to have different consequences when I live like them? How stupid of me.  

2019

It has been awhile right? I now usually keep things to myself since there are things that normal people will not understand or maybe my advice is not compatible to them. You know sometimes I imagine myself having everything in the world. A big house, lots of money and land, fame and every single thing that a human desires. Am I really happy with all those? I do not think so. Everything will come to an end. It will stop the moment I die. What a sad world. There are times when I look back at my past, and  I always feel something deep. Like sad and sorrow. Distant. My past is getting farther and farther. I can't turn back time to re enjoy and fix my past. Even I could do that, still the past is the past. People around are getting older and older. I might lose people I care. Death is lurking me. This world is a sad place to live. 

2 months

It has been awhile since the last time I updated this. It has been more than 2 months I am married. I am still the same me. Clueless about what is going to happen next. Lately I am very disturbed with what the person I love the most said. If only I could say to that person " I have given up my precious, please...If you want to go, take me with you too. I have nothing in this world". I am not kidding. Until now, it still hurts. I am eager to be the best but I am my own enemy. And time is also my enemy. Don't leave me yet :(

My recent thoughts

It has been awhile since the last time I wrote here. About 12 more days I am getting married. I do not really know what to expect from it but I hope I can do my best. This marriage gives me a very heavy responsibility because the name that I am carrying. I am not afraid of my partner or the life after it but I am afraid of myself. I am the most evil man I have ever known. I am afraid I would become a bad partner due to my behaviours. I know how evil I am. I do not want to destroy someone else's life. Hopefully things will turn out to be great and smooth. I am doing this for the sake of getting into the elite group. May one day I will be able to say " I regret nothing".

Do not give up

It is funny for you to feel you lose something but you do not really have it at the first place. Are you kidding me? There are good people out there. Be strong! and start searching for them. My secrets and my past are very dark. Darker than the night. Be grateful.

What's the verdict?

The waiting is killing me. I am nervous and excited at the same time. And I really want this to end as soon as possible. I can't really predict what is going to happen. Hey, remember this. No matter what is the outcome, always focus on the purpose of this thing. I am here not to fool around. 

This evening

Tomorrow I am going back to my hometown. I can't wait to go back because I really need to recharge myself. I still remember when I was a younger, I waited for holidays with so many plans. Back then I was full of energy to travel around and to explore new things. Just say any crazy idea and I would be like "Yes, why not?". At that time my mind was like I need to do something crazy so that I do not regret later. You know, I never told the whole crazy things I did when we were close. I was afraid that you might have a different perspective on me. I would look dumb, stupid, and crazy if I revealed things that I did when I was young. It would be contradictable with the character that I portrayed in front of you. But now that character is the real me. I do not really have passion to try something new. I do not want to travel anymore. The moment that incident happened, I lost almost everything. From an adventurous person, I am known as a no fun guy. Even when people ask me to tag along to watch movies, my answer will always be "No, not interested". Ah...I remember two to three weeks ago, my friend and I went to a mall ( Had to accompany him because he needed my help), I saw things that I am trying to leave behind. I was like "Oh...so these are the things that I used to live with". Now they fail to capture my attention. Quite a lot of things I leave behind. 

Most of the times, I have a hard time to pretend I am interested in the topics that my friends are talking. Actually deep inside I do not really care. Those things that they glorify are nothing. The things are not permanent. They will vanish in times. Can't they see it? Look at the people who used to glorify those things. Now they are dead and left behind all the things that they fought for and even willing to die for. Did they take those things to their graves? I am really not interested anymore. It is funny. Sometimes when they talk about uninteresting topics (for me), I purposely let my mind slip into my own world. I pretend to listen but actually my mind is not there. I am at somewhere else. 

Nah, this topic is too complex to be described in details. I should not begin with it. Anyway, may one day all my wishes will come true. I am waiting for that moment.