Sad parenting

Before I'm going to sleep,well I feel like writing. First thing first, I'm indifferent regarding the changes that this blog has made. It might take sometimes to adapt. But hey, that's life. Things change whether we like it or not. So today in the morning while I was heading to my workplace, I stopped for awhile to buy my breakfast at one of my favourite hawkers. There I saw the hawker and her son whom I believe is around 5-7 years old. He shouted and grunted at his mom (the hawker) about something. If I am not mistaken, he had lost something. Probably misplaced it. It is normal for kids to express disgruntled but the way he expressed it  and the way his mom reacted "oh he lost something" nonchalantly made me feel  angry. Come on. He is growing up. He knows what is wrong and what is right. You should do better than that rather than expressing like it was not a big deal. The kid was still mad and displayed some early aggression towards the situation by the time I left that place. I am a big believer of "it is not wrong to whoop your kid if you have to". That situation was the perfect time to teach the way to express disappointment appropriately or perhaps instill some respect.  Yea...yea I know some might say you don't have to whoop to teach kids, but rather talk nicely and explain about it. Well I believe that way was done by the hawker and it was not working obviously. 

    I remember there is a case in my village. It happens to my father's friend. He loved his children too much and never laid a finger on them. Guess what? When the kid grew up, he wanted to kick...literally kick his father. Growing up without serious consequences when doing wrong, so that is the product.

    To my grandchildren, just remember I do not feel like whooping you but if I have to, I'll do it. Respect your parents. They are not your friends. Yes you can be friendly with your parents but at the same time you need to remember, they are your parents. Not your friends. You must know the boundary. 

Okay, I'm off to bed. Taaa~

Abandon me not please.

It's coming back to me slowly. I have been waiting for it for quite sometimes. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for it? Finally it is coming back to me. Yea it was my fault I lost it. It all started at the moment I lost the person whom I love the most. You know I am the type of person who will give my all when I want something. I will try every possible way I can think of so that when it is destined for me to fail, I can say I have done my best. I will ask myself if I happened to come across the same situation, what could I do to have my desired outcome. I always come to conclusion that I can't do any better so no regrets. But...this time is different. I did my best. I tried my best yet I still have regrets and sorrow. I can't think what could I do to improve the situation. I just can't. How I miss the past. 

Dear silent readers, I know you read this. No, I am not depressed. It is hard to describe what I am going through. I do not know why are you guys reading this. Why?

A little different~

Hi...we meet again. Not sure I should worry or not but as I'm looking around, I realise I am a little bit different from others. I do not really have the drive for something like others would do. I don't like cars, expensive cars, big houses, and many more. I think you get the idea. I am not sure whether it is a good condition being like this. I do not have guidance. 

Weeks go by

Now my earworm has changed. I start to get back to my starting point. Relapse is the best word to describe my current situation. Do I like it? The short answer is no...the longer answer is nooooo....I don't want to be like this. I do not want to continue drifting. I am afraid that little by little, I am back to the starting point.I had sacrificed a lot to go to the front. I am not willing to go back. Sometimes...nah not sometimes. I always feel I am alone in this battle. I do not have close friends who have the same goal like I do. It is a hard battle. HELP~

Suddenly

Everything won't be the same anymore. To whom should I go when I need advice and strength. You are gone, I know you are still there. I really miss you. You are so hard to reach. I miss you so much ;)

Nope~

Good evening my dear grandchildren. Feeling good today? You know last week I almost drown. If I drown last week, things would be so different now. While I was dying and I knew I was in a deep trouble, I didn't scream or shout for help. Not really sure why. Maybe I don't trust humans that they could save me. Last week I noticed several things. Before that you must know that I nowadays I don't really like to socialize like I used to when I was young. So last week was actually the first time in almost 3 years I went out with my colleagues. We did an activity together. Then I noticed why I put my distance with others. The topics that intrigued them weren't really my cup of tea. I am not saying I am a good person or they are inferior, but it was just pure boredom. Talked about getting a second wife, women, and made fun of others. I am too old for that. Those topics are really lame. When I was there, I realised I didn't miss anything. Thought things had changed but nope. I am really glad I spend my time alone. I am not an anti social person. I really like to socialise but I am really picky with the people I want to spend my time. I want to grow and I love to have people helping me to grow. The problem is that kind of people are really rare so it makes me look as if I am anti social. Remember my advice. Choose your peers carefully. Don't do the same mistake I did. I had wasted too much time.

From heart to mouth

Good evening my grandchildren. I'm under the weather for several days. Not really nice right? There is something bothering me slightly. I do not really know how to express it. You know even though I am an adult, there are so many things I am still clueless about. I am not sure how I will I react when the moment comes. My best strategy is to go with the flow. Of course I should prepare myself but I just can't think straight. Nowadays my mouth betrays my heart. I remember one day my heart said other thing but my mouth uttered another. Why did you betray me? Perhaps I just want to conceal the real thing for my own safety. Hopefully next time I will shut up for awhile, rephrase what I am going to say, then say it. I do not want my mouth to betray my heart again. I am just too old for it.

2020

This is the first post for the new year. It has been awhile right? So I watched a drama where 2 people meet each other after separated about three years. That situation I had been through several times. I remember one time when I met a close friend after awhile, I started to see things differently. Back then we were close because we shared almost the same point of view. Then when we met again, I started to notice I had different opinions and views. I talked less and less. Now I lost contact with that particular person. One of the reasons I put some distance between me and my old friends is because I think I have changed a lot. I have problems to make them understand my actions and my beliefs. They will not understand because sometimes my actions and my beliefs sound so unreal and ridiculous to them but believe me,  my actions and my beliefs are real. There is a person I really want to know. How are you?How's life?How's your family?I am sorry. In reality I think I hardly have two words to say. I am off to bed now. Good bye

I am drifting.

How I wish I will just wake up one day and this is just a dream. It has been too long now. I am weak to even carry myself. I need support and advice to keep me on track or else slowly I will start to drift away from my original course. This is the worst time in my life. I have no strong peers neither guidance to help me. It feels like this is a punishment. Thinking back, what could I do if I could turn back my time. Almost none. I did my best and I took almost every opportunity presented to me yet I am still weak. How pathetic I am.

Durian

You know...I have desires to fulfill. Half of me says go for it and the other half says no,you weren't born for those. I think the other half of me is right. I shouldn't be fascinated by this life. Even in my dreams I could feel this world and this life are very sad. Humans are pathetic. Everything that the majority desired is perishable. If I do not want to end up like the rest, I shouldn't follow them. What makes me think I am unique enough to have different consequences when I live like them? How stupid of me.  

2019

It has been awhile right? I now usually keep things to myself since there are things that normal people will not understand or maybe my advice is not compatible to them. You know sometimes I imagine myself having everything in the world. A big house, lots of money and land, fame and every single thing that a human desires. Am I really happy with all those? I do not think so. Everything will come to an end. It will stop the moment I die. What a sad world. There are times when I look back at my past, and  I always feel something deep. Like sad and sorrow. Distant. My past is getting farther and farther. I can't turn back time to re enjoy and fix my past. Even I could do that, still the past is the past. People around are getting older and older. I might lose people I care. Death is lurking me. This world is a sad place to live. 

2 months

It has been awhile since the last time I updated this. It has been more than 2 months I am married. I am still the same me. Clueless about what is going to happen next. Lately I am very disturbed with what the person I love the most said. If only I could say to that person " I have given up my precious, please...If you want to go, take me with you too. I have nothing in this world". I am not kidding. Until now, it still hurts. I am eager to be the best but I am my own enemy. And time is also my enemy. Don't leave me yet :(

My recent thoughts

It has been awhile since the last time I wrote here. About 12 more days I am getting married. I do not really know what to expect from it but I hope I can do my best. This marriage gives me a very heavy responsibility because the name that I am carrying. I am not afraid of my partner or the life after it but I am afraid of myself. I am the most evil man I have ever known. I am afraid I would become a bad partner due to my behaviours. I know how evil I am. I do not want to destroy someone else's life. Hopefully things will turn out to be great and smooth. I am doing this for the sake of getting into the elite group. May one day I will be able to say " I regret nothing".

Do not give up

It is funny for you to feel you lose something but you do not really have it at the first place. Are you kidding me? There are good people out there. Be strong! and start searching for them. My secrets and my past are very dark. Darker than the night. Be grateful.

What's the verdict?

The waiting is killing me. I am nervous and excited at the same time. And I really want this to end as soon as possible. I can't really predict what is going to happen. Hey, remember this. No matter what is the outcome, always focus on the purpose of this thing. I am here not to fool around. 

This evening

Tomorrow I am going back to my hometown. I can't wait to go back because I really need to recharge myself. I still remember when I was a younger, I waited for holidays with so many plans. Back then I was full of energy to travel around and to explore new things. Just say any crazy idea and I would be like "Yes, why not?". At that time my mind was like I need to do something crazy so that I do not regret later. You know, I never told the whole crazy things I did when we were close. I was afraid that you might have a different perspective on me. I would look dumb, stupid, and crazy if I revealed things that I did when I was young. It would be contradictable with the character that I portrayed in front of you. But now that character is the real me. I do not really have passion to try something new. I do not want to travel anymore. The moment that incident happened, I lost almost everything. From an adventurous person, I am known as a no fun guy. Even when people ask me to tag along to watch movies, my answer will always be "No, not interested". Ah...I remember two to three weeks ago, my friend and I went to a mall ( Had to accompany him because he needed my help), I saw things that I am trying to leave behind. I was like "Oh...so these are the things that I used to live with". Now they fail to capture my attention. Quite a lot of things I leave behind. 

Most of the times, I have a hard time to pretend I am interested in the topics that my friends are talking. Actually deep inside I do not really care. Those things that they glorify are nothing. The things are not permanent. They will vanish in times. Can't they see it? Look at the people who used to glorify those things. Now they are dead and left behind all the things that they fought for and even willing to die for. Did they take those things to their graves? I am really not interested anymore. It is funny. Sometimes when they talk about uninteresting topics (for me), I purposely let my mind slip into my own world. I pretend to listen but actually my mind is not there. I am at somewhere else. 

Nah, this topic is too complex to be described in details. I should not begin with it. Anyway, may one day all my wishes will come true. I am waiting for that moment. 

Say NO!

It is just a cartoon,what could go wrong? In psychology, there is a theory called "Familiarity theory". When a person is exposed to a new experience, gradually the person will accept it as a norm. Same thing happens to society. Bit by bit they expose the taboo elements and slowly our society will accept them. Can't you see?

 Can't you see they start to play with words? If you learn discourse analysis, words are bounded into three classes. Negative, neutral, and positive. Take a look at the word "homophobic". "Homo" is a neutral word but "phobic" is a negative word. Derived from the word "phobia". When you have phobia of something, it carries negative experience. By calling "homophobic" to people who disagree  with them, it subconsciously develops negative image on the people. No one likes to be perceived as negative people. Slowly people will think "hey, let's accept the behaviour or we are going to be perceived as negative people."  What if we call the people as "Pro human nature". Pretty sure no one minds to be called that. Can't you see? I watch a documentary on how the slowly make the western society to accept the group. In early 90's, it was a taboo to be gay. Instead of using the words  "homosexual or gay", they replaced the words with "queer" and the society started to accept it. Enough of discourse. Can't you see?

Now move on to the point "Hey, now it is 2017,we are not in stone age!". The definition of modern life  varies according to scholars. Some perceive modern life  as progression and development in lifestyle with cutting edge technology and skyscrapers in cities. I prefer the definition of modern life as progression and development in lifestyle  also our moral (in my case religion and the definition is not by me). Sad to say most of us only prefer the first definition. Okey back to 2017, what if I said "Hey it is 2017,are you living in stone age? Do you know that homosexuality can be traced back to thousands years ago? Why do you want to practice ancient tradition?"

Heh.So many things I want to say but now I am too lazy. Okay I am going off now.Goodbye.

Plan B

Can you see that home above?If I am not married,that would be my type of house.So minimal yet so perfect.In the time for the people strive for more and more, I am so grateful that I have been guided not to waste my time on temporary things.Maybe just maybe people would feel a bit sympathy towards me for choosing that kind of life, but actually I pity them for focusing too much on unnecessary things in their life.I can imagine my simple life living in that house,Yeap that's my home.

If one day my colleagues, friends, or family members visit me at my home, please do not be sad.I am happy with what I have chosen. The move is not be made due to my disappointments in my life, but actually I have planned it long before you guys knew me. I am inspired by someone's whom I admire the most speech.Wake up in the morning, be grateful I am still alive, and head to see my idol.Then go back to the house and rest. In the evening, I head back to see my idol till dawn and head to a place to see another idol to learn from him.Then I go back home to sleep.The routine is repeated till I die.Hopefully I am forgiven.Please wait for me at the other side.Just like what you have promised.I know I am not a good person but I am trying to be as good as you guys.One day we will be on the same par. ;)

Animal

Good evening my grandchildren!!!Yes I am here.Okey I want to have a short babbling with you.You know I saw several times people kick animals because the animals begged them for some food.When it happened,I felt real bad for the animals.Regardless cats or dogs or even monkeys, they are hungry too.Why can't you just share some of your food?I will look at the people who treat animals with cruelty with hatred.How I wish they one day feel the way the animals feel.I want the people to feel hunger,full of expectations and I hope their hopes are crashed by the world.Then they will have empathy towards animals.Okay that is all.I have to read now.For the glory of farmer of course.Good night!!!

What is next?

Yeay!!! I am writing now because I feel it had been such a long time I did not write. So many big things went by and I did not write those. Currently I am so busy with my study. Hmm...Two more semesters and by God's will I am going to finish the study by the end of this year. I start to think to pursue my PhD. Yet so many things I have to consider. I will start to have commitment, what I am going to do with my PhD and many more. I seriously do not want to be a lecturer because lecturers' working hour is sooooo long. I don't think I am going to be happy with long working hour but at the same time I love academic reading. I am not really good at wasting time like small talks or talk about football.hmmm..I always need something to read or do if not I would feel I was not productive enough.Nah....Let me finish my study first then I will make my mind.