I've always been the one under the knife

There is something bothering me so much lately.You know adult things.I am a full grown up man but with different mentality from others.I view life from different perspective.Almost all the time it feels good to have it but there are few times where my belief is shaken.I thought you were perfect but one by one your weaknesses reveals.Yet I still want it.I try not to think about it because thinking makes my breathe goes away.I am missing the past yet I am living in the present.Grow up and take the changes.I am trying that's why I am not thinking about it.How I wish to go as far as possible and start new.I am a new person where I do not know people around me.I start to learn about them.You know,I am on a mission where I cannot fail.Even if I  succeed still there is a sorrow deep inside because it is not the same anymore.I don't usually need motivation but when I do,bad situation always motivates me well.I have two choices,cry and whine about it or stop being sad and improve myself.

Here it comes

You know,as you grow older things which were cool when you were young are not cool anymore.They make you sick being haunted by them.You will begin to wonder when will all these end.So you put your best final shot because you want to know the ending.Quite a stupid action because deep in your heart,you have planned not to accept failure.For you,failure should not happen because you have given your very best shot to win.Sometimes I would rather say it is a mystery when you can't really predict the ending.There are times when you feel you are gaining the upper hand and times when you feel as low as if you were stuck somewhere and you could not move at all.I tried to predict based on my past experiences yet I always fail.It seems so bright...Really...Then suddenly it becomes too dim.I am told I will not succeed yet I want to make it happens.So I wait,playing with my mind,giving promises to my heart just to comfort myself while waiting something to happen.I never knew the force of this thing is so strong and the best part of it,it happens to me.I tried to move yet I am stuck.Is there anything I am missing resulting me to stuck here?I thought it would be ended after I had change my routines.I was wrong.It becomes bigger and the force is stronger due to the time constrains.I would rather die alone than spending time with someone who I do not really love.I prefer not to think about the plans.I want to follow the flow.Remember this...I cannot protect you forever.I am sorry

Haunted and bothering

Hello my grandchildren.I miss you even you are not born yet.I want to share something with you tonight.It is a bit personal.I am not sure to whom should I tell.So if anything happens to me after this,you will know what you need to do when you face the same thing later in your life.You know,I always dream when I am sleeping.Dream is still mysterious to the science world.I am not a person who will easily believe in something mystique.I will try to relate something with science yet  scientists have not reached the final conclusion about why do we dream and why do some people can foresee the future in dream. So I stick to the standing where dream is just a projectile of our subconscious brain activities.But what bother me the most is I have consistently dream about  3 things.I do not know why.They come alternately.The first one since I was a kid is I always dream bout I am able to fly yet I always find some difficulties.Sometimes there will be some random people chasing me and I try to escape from them by flying.Funny.At first I thought the dream would fade away as I am growing up but I was wrong.It still haunts me.Next is there is someone constantly appear in my dream.The same person.Is it a sign or I am thinking too much of it?I will start to feel so touched by the presence of that person.I want to beg to the person don't go but my mouth is shut and I will start to have mixed feelings.Missing the person,glad that the person comes,angry and at the same time I am so sad.I do not know why.If I woke up after that dream,I would feel confused and thought about it the whole day.It happens automatically and I want to have that person at that moment by my side badly.It is impossible yet I still long to have that person by my side.The effects will continue for about a week before it slowly starts to fade away.Then I will start to dream about it again.I think I am crazy.The last dream is I always dream about something terrifying. Yes terrified not scary.Terrified is the correct word for it.For example last night I dreamt I in a  swap,the water was as dark as night and I knew there were crocodiles in the swap.I was so terrified by the situation.From far I could see a big dark crocodile went into the swap to get me.Another one is I was in a forest, a dark forest with dim light from the sun and there was a big snake came for me.Oh I also dreamt I was at the river bank and I saw a big crocodile at the river bank as if it was waiting for me.In real life,I am not scared of those creatures but in my dreams,they give me goosebumps when seeing their size and being in those situations.Having these three consistent dreams over time I feel like there are hidden meanings about the dreams.I want to find someone who is capable to end my bad dreams.Are you the one?

I see future

You know,I am tired answering people questions regarding my financial management. They ask me when will I buy new car, a house and getting married.Yes I do have the ability to grab all those things but they are not in my plan. I have my own plan. I am not even shaken when my friends now start to buy assets.Listen to this my grandchildren.Once you make a bad move in managing your financial,you will be forever tied and you cannot progress. You will end up doing the same routine for your entire life.Maybe at first you will find it hard to resist the temptation but hear me out.Don't grab all those things yet unless you really want to settle down at your current state of life.For me, I really do not want to settle down now.This is not the life I want.I want to work in an environment where people around me have something in common.Since I was a kid,I asked myself what I really want.Is this the life style I want to spend for a long time?A big NO!!!I have made my mind after I've been thinking for so long.I want to pursue my study to a higher level.At first I had a dilemma to choose between 2 years programme or 4 years programme.I asked myself whether I can handle the pressure and give commitment to it.I think the best for me is 4 years programme.As long as I have my master,I can get out from this environment.I need to have it to achieve my dream.So I will enroll it next week.

The girl...

Recently I kinda like this song...Sad I guess but beautiful.

Life only favours the brave

Hello my dear grandchildren.It has been such a long time since the last time you heard from me.So many things have changed.I just dislike it because I hate changes in life.Sometimes I like things to remain that way so that I do not lose anything. You know the saying "If you win something, you are actually losing something".I believe in that.You know,there are things in my mind which I rarely recall them because I do not want to change them.Everytime you recall something,you are adding things to it without you realising it.You know you are regretting over something when you wish you could turn back time. If only I could at least changed the course of my life like meeting myself in the past.I want to talk and advice to myself in the past the do's and the dont's.I think my past self would listen to me because I know myself really well.Some advice would be Keep your promises or you will regret it forever because you do not have forever. Be more confident with things that you are passionate or you will regret. Don't you dare to think you can bare the consequences!!! Have some faith in yourself Do not start it!!! If only I could... The furthest thing is the past...Everyday it becomes further and further

Forever love

As I was sleeping,I listened to random songs on my mp3.Suddenly a song played which made me remembered those days in my life.The song perfectly describes my dreams,my feelings and hopes.I used to wonder about my future.So now it is becoming clearer but the feelings are there.Never change and the song makes the feelings amplified.Bitterness,sweetness and emptiness all mixed together as they are talking what the future holds.I cannot listen to the song when I am driving.It will definitely drift me away.How I miss my good old days with friends and the life there.Eventhough it has been about 7 years, you are still beautiful and talks to me.You are a master piece. You do not have to say a thing.