From heart to mouth

Good evening my grandchildren. I'm under the weather for several days. Not really nice right? There is something bothering me slightly. I do not really know how to express it. You know even though I am an adult, there are so many things I am still clueless about. I am not sure how I will I react when the moment comes. My best strategy is to go with the flow. Of course I should prepare myself but I just can't think straight. Nowadays my mouth betrays my heart. I remember one day my heart said other thing but my mouth uttered another. Why did you betray me? Perhaps I just want to conceal the real thing for my own safety. Hopefully next time I will shut up for awhile, rephrase what I am going to say, then say it. I do not want my mouth to betray my heart again. I am just too old for it.

2020

This is the first post for the new year. It has been awhile right? So I watched a drama where 2 people meet each other after separated about three years. That situation I had been through several times. I remember one time when I met a close friend after awhile, I started to see things differently. Back then we were close because we shared almost the same point of view. Then when we met again, I started to notice I had different opinions and views. I talked less and less. Now I lost contact with that particular person. One of the reasons I put some distance between me and my old friends is because I think I have changed a lot. I have problems to make them understand my actions and my beliefs. They will not understand because sometimes my actions and my beliefs sound so unreal and ridiculous to them but believe me,  my actions and my beliefs are real. There is a person I really want to know. How are you?How's life?How's your family?I am sorry. In reality I think I hardly have two words to say. I am off to bed now. Good bye

I am drifting.

How I wish I will just wake up one day and this is just a dream. It has been too long now. I am weak to even carry myself. I need support and advice to keep me on track or else slowly I will start to drift away from my original course. This is the worst time in my life. I have no strong peers neither guidance to help me. It feels like this is a punishment. Thinking back, what could I do if I could turn back my time. Almost none. I did my best and I took almost every opportunity presented to me yet I am still weak. How pathetic I am.

Durian

You know...I have desires to fulfill. Half of me says go for it and the other half says no,you weren't born for those. I think the other half of me is right. I shouldn't be fascinated by this life. Even in my dreams I could feel this world and this life are very sad. Humans are pathetic. Everything that the majority desired is perishable. If I do not want to end up like the rest, I shouldn't follow them. What makes me think I am unique enough to have different consequences when I live like them? How stupid of me.  

2019

It has been awhile right? I now usually keep things to myself since there are things that normal people will not understand or maybe my advice is not compatible to them. You know sometimes I imagine myself having everything in the world. A big house, lots of money and land, fame and every single thing that a human desires. Am I really happy with all those? I do not think so. Everything will come to an end. It will stop the moment I die. What a sad world. There are times when I look back at my past, and  I always feel something deep. Like sad and sorrow. Distant. My past is getting farther and farther. I can't turn back time to re enjoy and fix my past. Even I could do that, still the past is the past. People around are getting older and older. I might lose people I care. Death is lurking me. This world is a sad place to live. 

2 months

It has been awhile since the last time I updated this. It has been more than 2 months I am married. I am still the same me. Clueless about what is going to happen next. Lately I am very disturbed with what the person I love the most said. If only I could say to that person " I have given up my precious, please...If you want to go, take me with you too. I have nothing in this world". I am not kidding. Until now, it still hurts. I am eager to be the best but I am my own enemy. And time is also my enemy. Don't leave me yet :(

My recent thoughts

It has been awhile since the last time I wrote here. About 12 more days I am getting married. I do not really know what to expect from it but I hope I can do my best. This marriage gives me a very heavy responsibility because the name that I am carrying. I am not afraid of my partner or the life after it but I am afraid of myself. I am the most evil man I have ever known. I am afraid I would become a bad partner due to my behaviours. I know how evil I am. I do not want to destroy someone else's life. Hopefully things will turn out to be great and smooth. I am doing this for the sake of getting into the elite group. May one day I will be able to say " I regret nothing".